After days upon days of turmoil, I have finally stopped shaking in my rocking chair under my electric blanket and plucked up the courage to write another delightful sample of waffle.
Since the last article Ray Trew has assumed control of Notts County F.C and appointed a new Chief Executive - the controversial Jim Rodwell formerly of Boston United and a new manager Steve Cotterill; former employee of Burnley and Cheltenham Town. Cotterill, known for his turgid formations and stability will be welcomed by the Notts faithful who have had to endure more ups and downs in the past week than Hugh Hefner's member has in his 39520 year lifespan. Ray Trew also announced today that Notts County shall not be placed into administration even though it was the right thing to do in a business sense.
This came as a massive relief to myself as I had feared I would have to make more trips to Stanley's squalor or Chesterfield's well, erm field.
One good thing has came out of this whole shambles - Ben Davies. I would piggyback this man to the matches and back whilst reciting the entire bible from start to finish. What this would achieve I'm not too sure. But this man isn't human. Torquay, Aldershot, Wigan, Dagenham, Macclesfield & Barnet have all had free-kicks put past them by the David Beckham of the lower leagues.
Wednesday, 10 February 2010
Sunday, 7 February 2010
Revelations at Meadow Lane
'Digga' has been prodding and poking his overly large nose in and around the recycling bins behind the back of the Main Stand where Peter Trembling's office is located and can exclusively reveal the true meaning of Munto Finance and just how Notts County paid off half of their HMRC tax bill.
The answer is not an obvious one to the unsuspecting eye. Drugs. Suspicions were raised when Sven took the Mexican national team job and even more so when he arrived at East Midlands Airport one morning in July. But there was a link unbeknown to the mass population; Munto Finance. Munto Finance stands for nothing other than Marijuana; Under Nines Team Operation. Digga dug deeper and more ferociously than ever and managed to hack into Sven's Blackberry via telekinesis and pulled out a blueprint made on Paint. The blueprint contained maps of various alleyways and escape routes of the surrounding Meadows and St Anns area and an order number for Ikea's finest D.I.Y BMX's.
Munto Finance's only purchase in their time at Notts County was "Pitch Heating Lights" which were claimed to "help defrost grass" and "aid Notts County's plight in beating the cold weather" - Notts County had to postpone home games against Grimsby, Barnet and Forest Green Rovers. The only things these lights were good for were growing industrial amounts of Cannabis.
'Digga' then pursued former Notts County prodigy Mark Draper who has been given the job title of 'Kit Man'. Draper refused to comment on any of these allegations but was seen giving a parcel to youth team starlet Juan Martinez (a new signing from Bolivia) who questioned Draper "are they dry enough yet?" to which Draper replied with a swift backhand and ushered the young man away.
Notts County's ex manager Ian McParland nickname 'Charlie' because of his minor cocaine operation was knocked off by Tord Grip in October after Sven had given his assistant the nod. The reason Sven gave for this move was that "they were not working closely enough together" which one would presume means Charlie was dealing with rival gangs across the river known as Nottingham Forest. Named after their once huge Cannabis operation; their grow patch was rumoured to be visible from space.
Will the next crop be ready in time for the next HMRC hearing? Will ten-bags be enough to save Notts County from administration? We will see.
This article may be factually inaccurate.
The answer is not an obvious one to the unsuspecting eye. Drugs. Suspicions were raised when Sven took the Mexican national team job and even more so when he arrived at East Midlands Airport one morning in July. But there was a link unbeknown to the mass population; Munto Finance. Munto Finance stands for nothing other than Marijuana; Under Nines Team Operation. Digga dug deeper and more ferociously than ever and managed to hack into Sven's Blackberry via telekinesis and pulled out a blueprint made on Paint. The blueprint contained maps of various alleyways and escape routes of the surrounding Meadows and St Anns area and an order number for Ikea's finest D.I.Y BMX's.
Munto Finance's only purchase in their time at Notts County was "Pitch Heating Lights" which were claimed to "help defrost grass" and "aid Notts County's plight in beating the cold weather" - Notts County had to postpone home games against Grimsby, Barnet and Forest Green Rovers. The only things these lights were good for were growing industrial amounts of Cannabis.
'Digga' then pursued former Notts County prodigy Mark Draper who has been given the job title of 'Kit Man'. Draper refused to comment on any of these allegations but was seen giving a parcel to youth team starlet Juan Martinez (a new signing from Bolivia) who questioned Draper "are they dry enough yet?" to which Draper replied with a swift backhand and ushered the young man away.
Notts County's ex manager Ian McParland nickname 'Charlie' because of his minor cocaine operation was knocked off by Tord Grip in October after Sven had given his assistant the nod. The reason Sven gave for this move was that "they were not working closely enough together" which one would presume means Charlie was dealing with rival gangs across the river known as Nottingham Forest. Named after their once huge Cannabis operation; their grow patch was rumoured to be visible from space.
Will the next crop be ready in time for the next HMRC hearing? Will ten-bags be enough to save Notts County from administration? We will see.
This article may be factually inaccurate.
Saturday, 6 February 2010
Forgotten Men & World Cup Worries
After watching Manchester United's second goal against Portsmouth in a 5-0 drubbing at Old Trafford in which the ball travelled into the net at a ferocious speed of about 1MPH it reminded me of the Manchester United 'keeper who let that awful goal in through his legs. After several tense minutes of google corrections and numerous "did you means" I found out it was none other than the legendary Massimo Taibi (who?). The shot was from Le Tissier as can be seen in this HD video - it's followed by that dreadful cat video.
After I had got over how awful that attempt at a save was; it dawned on me that England have roughly 1.3 competent goalkeepers who could wear the jersey in South Africa who would stand at least a slight chance of not being an absolute catastrophe. The first is Manchester City goalkeeper Joe Hart who is on loan at Birmingham City and helped them to a 15 match unbeaten run and let's be honest - anyone who plays behind Lee Bowyer and manages to achieve that must be something special. The 0.3 is for Chris Kirkland he would count for a whole person except 70% of his body is made up of matchsticks and glue. The other keepers David James, Scott Carson, Robert Green, Ben Foster and Paul Robinson are playing and not standing out in teams like Portsmouth and West Brom for a reason - they're not good enough.
After I had got over how awful that attempt at a save was; it dawned on me that England have roughly 1.3 competent goalkeepers who could wear the jersey in South Africa who would stand at least a slight chance of not being an absolute catastrophe. The first is Manchester City goalkeeper Joe Hart who is on loan at Birmingham City and helped them to a 15 match unbeaten run and let's be honest - anyone who plays behind Lee Bowyer and manages to achieve that must be something special. The 0.3 is for Chris Kirkland he would count for a whole person except 70% of his body is made up of matchsticks and glue. The other keepers David James, Scott Carson, Robert Green, Ben Foster and Paul Robinson are playing and not standing out in teams like Portsmouth and West Brom for a reason - they're not good enough.
Away Days - Blundell Park
Here are two facts you may not know about Grimsby Town's Blundell Park. Fact number one; the away stand is among the most irritating stands in the United Kingdom. No matter where you sit past the third row you will have some form of structural pillar obscuring part of the pitch and have to bob and weave to follow the action - this is especially annoying when you're wedged in between two people who have delved into a Big Mac at the McDonald's near the ground after having an appetiser of fish and chips beforehand. The second is that is used to be a PoW camp. Now, I can almost hear the disbelief so it's probably a good job I took a picture of the gun tower and the surrounding walls.
Now they have cleverly disguised these as a floodlight and a normal wall to fool the unsuspecting public, but Digga (no link to the 'Digger' at the Guardian) has found proof that Tommy Wright the 'Grimsby Marksman' is being trained as a special ops agent. His training included a stamp on Neil Bishop as he lay on the floor and a forearm smash across Mike Edwards' face before pleading his innocence - a well equipped agent. Merciless in the field.
How do Grimsby get away with all this you ask? The answer is the mascot. Standing at approximately 6ft and resembling a slightly perverted sailor, he runs around the pitch pole dancing and goading the fans and in all fairness is erection-inspiringly entertaining when compared to Mr & Mrs Magpie; the geriatric Notts mascots who have to get St.John's paramedics to carry them off just prior to kick-off just in case they snuff it.
The game was in all seriousness a battle. Neither team looked like they wanted to lose with the referee taking exception to the Notts players and brandishing yellow cards for running in an incorrect manner and leaving the SAS trainee Wright to storm around the pitch like the school bully who is playing on the losing team. Exceptional last-ditch tackles by Stephen Hunt and Neil Bishop in either half stopped the Mariners most threatening attacks whilst Lee Hughes was biding his time at the other end. The one clear cut chance that fell to Notts' leading scorer was gleefully snatched up as Hughes raced onto a Kasper Schmeichel kick and blasted in past Nick Colgan to give the Magpies their 8th win out of a possible 9.
Now they have cleverly disguised these as a floodlight and a normal wall to fool the unsuspecting public, but Digga (no link to the 'Digger' at the Guardian) has found proof that Tommy Wright the 'Grimsby Marksman' is being trained as a special ops agent. His training included a stamp on Neil Bishop as he lay on the floor and a forearm smash across Mike Edwards' face before pleading his innocence - a well equipped agent. Merciless in the field.
How do Grimsby get away with all this you ask? The answer is the mascot. Standing at approximately 6ft and resembling a slightly perverted sailor, he runs around the pitch pole dancing and goading the fans and in all fairness is erection-inspiringly entertaining when compared to Mr & Mrs Magpie; the geriatric Notts mascots who have to get St.John's paramedics to carry them off just prior to kick-off just in case they snuff it.
The game was in all seriousness a battle. Neither team looked like they wanted to lose with the referee taking exception to the Notts players and brandishing yellow cards for running in an incorrect manner and leaving the SAS trainee Wright to storm around the pitch like the school bully who is playing on the losing team. Exceptional last-ditch tackles by Stephen Hunt and Neil Bishop in either half stopped the Mariners most threatening attacks whilst Lee Hughes was biding his time at the other end. The one clear cut chance that fell to Notts' leading scorer was gleefully snatched up as Hughes raced onto a Kasper Schmeichel kick and blasted in past Nick Colgan to give the Magpies their 8th win out of a possible 9.
Talking Balls - Introduction
Good Evening. The chances of people reading this first post besides my parents, singular friend and myself are very slim; being realistic I'd say that this blog will last as long as John Terry's next vow to be a devoted husband. But, for the time being I will be posting irregular and hopefully slightly humorous articles about football.
I'm currently co-editor of http://www.nottscounty-mad.co.uk (please bare in mind that this blog is completely independent from NCM) and decided that starting an online fanzine was too much effort and a blog would be far more suited to my laid-back 'Darren Caskeyesque' attitude.
I will often bitch about another failed accumulator, Kasper Schmeichel's tendency to shout at anything alive, dead or non-existent within 20 yards if he concedes a goal and generally bemoan how shit England are.
Good day sirs & madams.
I'm currently co-editor of http://www.nottscounty-mad.co.uk (please bare in mind that this blog is completely independent from NCM) and decided that starting an online fanzine was too much effort and a blog would be far more suited to my laid-back 'Darren Caskeyesque' attitude.
I will often bitch about another failed accumulator, Kasper Schmeichel's tendency to shout at anything alive, dead or non-existent within 20 yards if he concedes a goal and generally bemoan how shit England are.
Good day sirs & madams.
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